Saturday, October 18, 2008

"Forget me Nots"

Okay so I had a weird experience today, I am trying to figure out why. My husband and I went to Wal Mart tonight, with Willie (my youngest son) and his Girl Friend. Willie is re-doing his room and we needed a few more details for it. On our way out of the store I told Rob to look for glasses, he just got his eyes checked and has a new prescription that he needs to fill. A lady there looked really familiar, and asked me if she could help me, I said no, and told her she could help my husband because he was looking for glasses. I just kept staring at her, trying to remember where I knew her from, I do this strange thing when I recognize someone. I say in my head, where did I see this person, at work, school, a previous place I've been, a previous workplace, etc. I make a list in my head till I eliminate all areas. I started doing this a couple of years ago after I had cancer twice, and had to go through chemo, chemo plays havoc on your memory, and this list thing helps me out, since I can't remember people like I used to (or where I put things). Okay, so I have digressed a bit, anyways it wasn't until this lady started talking that things clicked. All at once it was like a ton of bricks hit me, she was a lady that I often saw in the Chemo Ward, she looked completely different, I didn't recognize her till she started to talk, she had a thick southern accent. When she was in the Chemo Ward she looked awful, she was so sick all the time. I didn't tell her I knew her, I wasn't going to either, I don't like to think about that time in my life, and I have to say I try really hard to block it out. I still haven't dealt with it all, I am scared to, I feel like if I do I will start crying and never stop, so I lock it away somewhere in the back of head, for a future date. All of sudden she started apologizing for something she forgot to do, blaming it on her Chemo Brain. God changed the directions of things, and I got really uncomfortable, I finally told her, "Yeah I remember you from the Chemo Ward". She had no idea who I was, so I said I am the lady who's daughter got tested for the the cancer gene and had it too, I said, "remember she started telling you about it one day, and suddenly burst into tears and couldn't stop crying". She smiled, and said, "yeah, I remember now". She really had changed, her hair was long now, and she had put on some good weight. I got really uneasy, she started talking about how depressed she got, how they had lost her baby grandson to SIDS soon after she finished chemo, how reconstruction wasn't going well for her because of radiation (something I never had to do) and it wasn't looking right (same thing I am going through right now), how her feet hurt all the time (chemo kills nerve endings), and didn't have any feeling (same thing I am going through). I told her well, God got us through cancer he will get us through this. The even stranger thing about this whole thing is my daughter Briana had just been talking about this lady to someone when we were out there for her wedding (very strange) For some reason God wanted me to talk to her (whether I wanted to or not). I have been dealing with a lot of issues lately with the whole cancer thing, the week I was to leave for my daughters wedding they found a spot, and it shook my world. I have this terrible stupid gene that lurks in the background saying,"I'm.......... still....... here." I have been going through reconstruction myself, and I think it is because I am finally feeling "safe" or safe enough to try and start living again. After my dad died from pancreatic cancer a few years ago, I felt jinxed and that I was going to die from cancer too. I guess sometimes God wants us not forget, and to remember what we have been through, so we can help those around us who are going through the same thing.


Bri said...

I have good memories of the chemo ward...sitting with you and watching our shows. It wa a very bittersweet place-- but lately all I remember is the sweets! Laying my head on my momma and watching TV!

Christina said...

God works in mysterious ways. BTW... your blog made me cry. I guess I still feel guilty that I couldn't be with my mom through those tough times. Love you momma.