Sunday, October 26, 2008

Tossing

I decided to go through my closet and get rid of some shoes. Not just any shoes, but shoes I never where but have kept for years, for just in case I will wear them again. Why do we do that hold on to things and think okay I will keep it because I will need it. My grandmother kept everything, but that is because she went through the great depression, and she was always in fear that she needed to hold on to everything. Well not me baby, I threw away a big bag of shoes. The funny thing is I tried them all on and some of them didn't even fit, I had a good laugh and got rid of them. The only really old pair I didn't get rid of was my favorite sneakers, I am letting stay around a bit longer, cuz my feet like them. There you go, a weekend of tossing out the old. And no Briana that does not mean you can toss me out cuz I am getting old, and that goes for any of the rest of you kids reading this.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My daddy loved me!

Dang we look good!

Okay so first I have to correct myself, my daughter and mom brought it too my attention, I guess I shouldn't write when I am ready to go to bed. Okay my dad did tell me he loved me, he learned to after I got mad at him one day, and told him why was it he could tell my children."I love you," and not me, he got better at it, and it wasn't as hard for him. What I meant to say was when I came to visit him when the cancer was getting really bad I poured out my heart and sould to him, I told him what a wonderful dad he had been to me, and that we would all be okay, that it was okay when he needed to let go, that I would see him in heaven, and that I loved him more than anything. It was then he had trouble saying he loved me, and that he was proud of me. I do know that he was proud of me, and he was the greatest grandpa, and he loved me with all his heart. At the moment I guess I just wanted to hear it back, but he was really sick and in a lot of pain, that's is what I meant.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I miss you!

My Russian Grandma (Baboo)

My dad in Hawaii



I found these two pictures today. I love them, not a day passes by, that I don't wish that they were around to talk to. my grandmother was a great listener, and she was my greatest fan. My dad and her were two of my greatest inspirations in life, and I know they are looking down at me and watching my every move. Sometimes they are saying, "Oh no there she goes again", and other times I know they are looking down at me (and I hope) they are proud of life that I am leading. The one thing I truly regret from my dad leaving so early, (I know that he does also), was to hear him say, "I love you (that word was hard for him), and for him to tell me, "I am so proud of you." He didn't know how to express love in words, but I know someday I will get to see him again (in heaven) and I know he will greet me with affection, and love, he has finally been released from all the fears in life that drive us as humans, and keep us from saying the things we want to, especially to the people who mean the most to us.

Laughter

My daughter and I were talking about how babies laugh tonight, and how it's the greatest music in the world. To hear a baby laugh for the first time, there is nothing like it, and it might even be one of the greatest wonders of the world. It's like nothing you have heard before, a baby will laugh sometimes just because you are laughing. Have you laughed today like a baby, uninhibited from your belly down to your toes. There are many studies that tell us that laughter is the best medicine, and I really believe it's are true. I can remember plenty of times in our family when someone else was in a bad mood, and they would hear their brother or sister laughing. Their face would change immediately while they ran to find out what was going on, usually before they were finished researching what the laughter was about, you would find them with at least smile on their face. Most of the time, however, they were soon laughing also. What family event doesn't bring with it loads of laughter and glorious moments of joy. We all love spending time together, I know that makes me smile, to know that when I have all my children together there is always going to be loads of laughter coming from every room. I know that we WILL be laughing, and not just a little. Our laughter will be the kind that starts at the tips of our toes and ends at the top of our heads, it will be the type of laughter that is so hard it hurts your face, or if your old like me, it might make you pee a little (okay so too much information). So laugh my friends like babies do, and spread the laughter around.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Grandchildren


"Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old" Mary H. Waldrip


My daughter brought over "my grandchildren" today. They are a bundle of energy, but I find that somewhere during their visit my grumpiness always turns to laughter. They totally exhaust me, by it is a good kind of exhausted, and they help fill the void I have from not being preschool teacher anymore. When I was a teacher, everyday was an adventure. Children are honest little creatures, they don't lie, they tell you like it is, if you are fat they will surely let you know. I remember one time when our kids were little we were out shopping, and Garrett (my son) went up to a may in a store and said,"Why don't you have any legs"? I was devasted, the poor man was in a wheel chair and both legs were amputated, I ran over and said I was so sorry, and the man said, "That's okay, usually nobody has the guts to ask me, they just ignore me." I don't remember what he said to Garrett, but I stood there beside him, while the man talked to him, and we chatted with him for that moment in time. Sometimes children know the right thing to say, they haven't had the world's influence to distort their vision yet, and seeing the world through their eyes, makes us young again. As I was tickling and listen to the girls scream, and giggle with delight, I thought this is what living is, this is what it is all about, I only hope that someday my legacy will live in all my grandchildren, I hope they get to laugh alot and when they think of me I hope they smile. I remember my grandmother, she was one tough lady, but her love for me was unfailing, and she was always fun to be around.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

"Forget me Nots"






Okay so I had a weird experience today, I am trying to figure out why. My husband and I went to Wal Mart tonight, with Willie (my youngest son) and his Girl Friend. Willie is re-doing his room and we needed a few more details for it. On our way out of the store I told Rob to look for glasses, he just got his eyes checked and has a new prescription that he needs to fill. A lady there looked really familiar, and asked me if she could help me, I said no, and told her she could help my husband because he was looking for glasses. I just kept staring at her, trying to remember where I knew her from, I do this strange thing when I recognize someone. I say in my head, where did I see this person, at work, school, a previous place I've been, a previous workplace, etc. I make a list in my head till I eliminate all areas. I started doing this a couple of years ago after I had cancer twice, and had to go through chemo, chemo plays havoc on your memory, and this list thing helps me out, since I can't remember people like I used to (or where I put things). Okay, so I have digressed a bit, anyways it wasn't until this lady started talking that things clicked. All at once it was like a ton of bricks hit me, she was a lady that I often saw in the Chemo Ward, she looked completely different, I didn't recognize her till she started to talk, she had a thick southern accent. When she was in the Chemo Ward she looked awful, she was so sick all the time. I didn't tell her I knew her, I wasn't going to either, I don't like to think about that time in my life, and I have to say I try really hard to block it out. I still haven't dealt with it all, I am scared to, I feel like if I do I will start crying and never stop, so I lock it away somewhere in the back of head, for a future date. All of sudden she started apologizing for something she forgot to do, blaming it on her Chemo Brain. God changed the directions of things, and I got really uncomfortable, I finally told her, "Yeah I remember you from the Chemo Ward". She had no idea who I was, so I said I am the lady who's daughter got tested for the the cancer gene and had it too, I said, "remember she started telling you about it one day, and suddenly burst into tears and couldn't stop crying". She smiled, and said, "yeah, I remember now". She really had changed, her hair was long now, and she had put on some good weight. I got really uneasy, she started talking about how depressed she got, how they had lost her baby grandson to SIDS soon after she finished chemo, how reconstruction wasn't going well for her because of radiation (something I never had to do) and it wasn't looking right (same thing I am going through right now), how her feet hurt all the time (chemo kills nerve endings), and didn't have any feeling (same thing I am going through). I told her well, God got us through cancer he will get us through this. The even stranger thing about this whole thing is my daughter Briana had just been talking about this lady to someone when we were out there for her wedding (very strange) For some reason God wanted me to talk to her (whether I wanted to or not). I have been dealing with a lot of issues lately with the whole cancer thing, the week I was to leave for my daughters wedding they found a spot, and it shook my world. I have this terrible stupid gene that lurks in the background saying,"I'm.......... still....... here." I have been going through reconstruction myself, and I think it is because I am finally feeling "safe" or safe enough to try and start living again. After my dad died from pancreatic cancer a few years ago, I felt jinxed and that I was going to die from cancer too. I guess sometimes God wants us not forget, and to remember what we have been through, so we can help those around us who are going through the same thing.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sunset

Today God gave me a wonderful gift. I looked up and saw the most beautiful sunset, it truly took my breath away, it was the best I've ever seen since I have lived here, and I got to share it with my husband. What was even more amazing, was today I heard two different people say how Hawaii was really a great place, the only place where you get to see his wonderful beautiful creations right before your very eyes. I kind of blew them off, nodded my head and went on with my day, until this evening. I looked up and saw the sunset and I realized God was trying to tell me something. My breath sucked in when I saw it, it was amazing, and God made it just for me (well okay maybe a few others got to share in it too). At that moment in time I realized how lucky I am to be living in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I sometimes take that for granted. Thank you God.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

More for you Briana




I am so proud of my mother




I am so proud of my mother, she is like the ever ready bunny that keeps on going. A few years ago my dad passed away from pancreatic cancer, and she had to watch him fade away, little by little. The same year, I had just finished chemo, I had been battling cancer myself, for the second time around, my grandmother (my father's mother) was ill not eating, and she was taking care of all of us, them physically, and me emotionally. I remember calling her several times, wanting to die, because I was in so much pain, and each time she was my saving grace, she helped talk me through it. My poor husband was frustrated and most of the time didn't know what to do to help me, or even if he did know how to help, I would scream at him, "I want my mommy." The frustrating thing for him was she would tell me to do the same thing he had just told me a few minutes ago, and I would listen to her, while a few minutes ago I was yelling at him like a crazy woman. My mom has always know how to comfort me in my darkest times. I really worried about her after my dad died, I prayed for her daily. Sure there was crying, and dark moments for her, times when she longed to talk to him, but then there was something that changed in her too. I have always admired her spirit, she has always had tons of that. She has dealt with difficult people her whole life (including me) and she has come out of all it on top. She has taught me how to survive, without her survival spirit that taught me, I could not of battled cancer twice, or raised six children. Thanks Mom for loving me even when I am unloveable.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Having fun



Strike a pose "statue of libery" or "Land of the Diva's"


Family



Wedding pics


Worship

Today was a church day, rise and shine greet the day. The one day I try to worship God, when I was a young mother it was a time to socialize and talk with other parents, a way to make friends. Friends you have something in common with. As I have gotten older it is more a time I dedicate to worshiping God. I have always loved attending church, I love what the singing, I love the bible the stories, and I loved teaching, but with six children it wasn't always about worship. In our house there was a rush to get everyone out of bed, make sure everyone was properly dressed, fed, then there was hair that needed brushing, and for the girls their hair styled. By the time we all made it into the car, I was totally exhausted. I had to make sure I had some candy in my purse (just in case the children got restless) and most of the time we shared with the other children, my children always had friends that wanted to sit by us too (maybe it was the candy). I even made sure there was pens and paper for them to write on (of course to take notes on the sermon), I am easily distracted myself, so I couldn't expect for any of them to sit for more than an hour and not get the wiggles. When they were really small (except for Willie and James they were in the church nursery) I used to make them take turns who got to sit by me, that was always special for me too. I would get to cuddle with them and sit with my arm around them, one of the great perks of being a mom. So church day for me and worshiping wasn't exactly that, now it is, although I have to admit it is hard sometimes getting out of bed on Sunday morning, but now it is about giving that little bit of time a week to the Lord. Yes, there are still distractions, but I can usually bring it back to what it is all really about....God, worshiping the him with song, with praise, and longing to find a way to show him, just how much I love him.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Learning to blog

So I started this blog to compete with my daughter and my son, kinda like, "I can write better than you can any day", that kind of competition. You see my daughter has an awesome blog and she writes to improve her writing ability, and my son writes blogs and is just a great too, but its much more than that. In my family (I have six children) they are all wonderfully talented, all of them can write, some of them write stories, some of them write songs, some of them write plans, some write sermons, but my family is richly rooted in story telling (which started with my mother and grandmother). Matter of fact if you do something, whether stupid or great, in our family you will probably be the inspiration for someones blog, story or sermon, and usually nothing is off limits, that's just the way it goes. So I decided months ago to throw out a competition of sorts, because that's another trait in our family, we like to compete for everything. The funny thing is, although I threw down the gauntlet months ago, I hadn't figured out this whole blog thing or how it works, and I still don't know how to create things, but I have a younger son at home still, and I am sure he will help. He is a whiz kid at this type of thing. Pretty funny isn't it, I started something I didn't even know how to. But it did inspire me and I did learn something new. So this ones for you pookie, I love you, and for the rest of my bunch keep on writing, and laugh till it hurts, and I will even let you use me as inspiration haha.

Friday, October 10, 2008

What did I learn today?

Today I learned that being alone at your workplace is a totally awesome event. Today I was all alone, and didn't have to listen to nobody's endless chattering, or the news station blaring on the TV set. It was just me, myself and I, (three of my close friends). The reason I was alone.... it was a friday before a holiday, you see at the military base I work, if Monday is a holiday all the military folks, plan an event on friday. It goes like this, let's say they plan (for fun) golfing for dollars, or they plan some kind of noble deed (maybe even an exercise event). Then after the planning they all take off to partake in the event or noble deed on that friday before the holiday. Okay, you see where this is all going, if not, please do try and keep up. Okay so they take off early to help out in the noble deed, or play in the sports event (not everyone plays, some watch) then they get out of work and go home early, making for a longer weekend. Of course while they are partaking in their events and noble deeds, I a civilian, and some of the contractors too, have to stay and work the whole day, well, unless we want to take leave. So here I sit all alone, do you realize how much work you can get done without any interruptions. Today was like a gift from God, okay I exaggerate a tad bit, but it did feel pretty close to it. So I ask myself, "What did I learn today?" Being alone is great its like eatting chocolate cake.

I learned how good alone can feel. Sometimes God wants us to be alone, so we can be still, and just empty ourselves to all the junk going on in our heads. Peace and Quiet can be a good thing, not all the time, becasue I really don't want to be alone all the time, but sometimes its kinda nice.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

What did I learn today?

I tired to think about what it was that I learned today. When things get bad and I really have a bad day, I try to find some good in it. If I make a mistake, whether huge or small, I always say "Well, what did you learn from this." It usually makes me feel better, doesn't make the mistake go away, but it gives me a new prepective. I am starting this blog out by writing what I learned today, what did God teach me? So here we go, "What did I learn today, what did God try and teach me?"



Today I learned that there are people I like, and people I don't like, that doesn't change over time, there are always going to be people I like, and people I don't like. So, today, God taught me that all people no matter who they are have a need to be heard, whether I like them, respect them, or even want to be around them, I choose how I listen. If I really don't like someone, I usually shut them out, and what they have to say to me is lost somewhere in my zone. Is that what God wants me to do? No, I learned today, that even those people I don't want to be around, and long to shut out of my world, are the ones that need me to listen the most. I know that sounds strange, maybe it is, but, God is in control, he doesn't want us to shut those people who irritate out completely, he wants us to have compassion. So today when I wanted to run and scream because someone's constant chatter was driving me mad, God said, "Listen, just listen." So I did, I stopped making it all about me and what I wanted and made it about them, I sat and truely listen, like I knew God listened to me, and you know it wasn't as bad as I was making it. This person has hurts and pains, and life has been no picnic for them. So for that one moment when I could have been in the my own little world zoning them out I listened like God listens to all of us. Compassion.